As a recent college graduate, I feel like I'm in a rut. When I was in school I couldn't wait to graduate and have no school work, but now I just feel bored. I don't have a job yet and social media isn't grabbing my attention anymore. At school, I was always busy with class, work, internship, and my social life that I rarely had any time for myself where I could do the things I wanted to do like read for fun, go to the beach, or for a walk. I even neglected my blog and stopped writing for fun and only for class. But now that I literally have no one telling me what to do, I find myself not telling myself to do the things I've wanted to do and taking advantage of all this free time.

So when I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge, I thought why not. Since tomorrow is the first day of September, this seems like the perfect thing for me to have something to do and start writing again. At this moment, I need to reevaluate my life, find out what I really want, and discover new things about myself. I hope by the end of this challenge I'll live a more minimalist life and create the daily routine I need to create the momentum to start my life. I hope that my results might inspire others to live a minimalist life as well and perhaps get inspired.

I don't want to be in a relationship. I haven't been in one in a year. Being in a relationship and having a boyfriend aren't the most important things in my life right now. I don't even want to date and haven't done so in over a year so that there is no possible way that the date will flourish into a relationship. I have told some people this, and while some people understand and others don't, it is completely my choice. Here are my reasons why I choose to stay single right now.

1. I'm 21 years old and I'm about to graduate from college. I'm pretty much at the prime of my life right now. I'm about to start my career and basically my life. But, I am also still learning who I am. I want to fall in love with myself before I do with someone else. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want to really enjoy life.

2. I don't want to be dependent. After my last relationship I could have started dating right away. I know many women who do this, become co-dependent and start a new relationship right after their old one ends. They need a man to make them happy and forget their previous partner. But I don't. I don't need someone else to make me feel good about myself.

3. Guys come and go, but your girl friends are forever. I've made friends in college who I can say will be my good friends for life. I value their friendship so much. I want to be able to spend time with them while we're all in the same area before we all go our separate ways.

4. I want to travel the world. Being in one area or one job for the rest of my life scares me. I want to be able to have the possibility to move where ever and whenever I want. Being in a relationship complicates that because I can't just think about myself and my needs. I would need to think about them as well. I don't want to do that right now. I want to be free.

5. I don't want to sacrifice my needs and dreams for any man. It's easy to feel content with being someones girlfriend when you're in love. I know I've been there. But 20 years from now do I want to look back on my life and see myself not pursuing my dreams because I was too focused on love. Or do I want to look back and say I did everything I wanted to do, and if I didn't at least I tried. I chose the later.

6. Last but not least, I'm a little scared. It's a scary thing to be with someone. You become so vulnerable that it's so easy to get hurt. It's not a nice feeling and after my previous relationship, it's not something I want to go through again anytime soon.

But just because I'm choosing not to love someone else doesn't mean I don't love. I love my family, my friends, and recently I've been loving nature more. I really want to give these three things all of my love and make them realize how important they are in my life.

You think you know who are, but you don't know who you are. This might not make sense, but if you've read Oedipus Rex you'll know what I"m talking about. I thought I knew who I was my whole life, but I really had no idea.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post stating that this summer I wanted to go to Mexico to see where my family comes from and get a better sense of who I am.  I'm very happy to say that I accomplished my goal. During the past months of August and September, I flew to Mexico and spent a total of three weeks there.

I'm not going to lie, I forgot how it felt to travel. Before my trip I kept telling friends, "Yea, I'm going to Mexico this summer." I was very nonchalant about it, until I actually had to go. The night before I left, I kept thinking to myself, "this is it, I'm actually going." Getting dropped off at the airport by my parents, being alone at the airport, with the adrenaline of going to a new place was a familiar feeling that I'd forgotten. I was scared and a little nervous. This wasn't like my study abroad trip where everything was planned. I was going somewhere new where I didn't know what would happen when I got off the plane.  I wasn't going to a resort in Cancun or Cabo San Lucas like many Americans do. I was going to a part of Mexico that wasn't a tourist destination.

I didn't know what to expect when I landed. To be honest, I thought Mexico would be a lot like the U.S. I've only been in first world countries, so naturally I thought Mexico would be a lot like what I've seen. I was wrong. From the view of the plane, Mexico City seemed like Los Angeles. A city that went on for miles with huge skyscrapers in the middle, revealing a metropolitan scene I was all too familiar with. But as the plane slowly descended, I immediately saw the differences. Houses were right next to each other like you would see in San Francisco. With many cars on the road, houses stacked one on top of the other, and the area looking dirty, the city looked like nothing I was used to.

When I arrived to Mexico City, I was picked up by my two aunts, Laura and Luz. I had never spoken to them in my entire life. They were family, but at the same time they were strangers. We didn't explore anything in Mexico City, and straight from the airport we took a taxi to the bus station to catch a bus that was suppose to take us three hours south to where they lived. Mexico City and Mexico in general is a pretty dangerous place. My aunts didn't want people to know that I was from the U.S. because of the fear that they would try to rob us. They wanted me on the bus right away and didn't let me out of their sight. I've never been in an area where I didn't feel safe - I live in Irvine -  until now.

I am the kind of person that goes with the flow. I never plan anything, especially when I go on trips. Even after being exposed to all these cultural changes, I wanted to do everything I possible could in Mexico. I knew I just had to keep an open mind.

The bus we got on was the equivalent to a Greyhound. This is the method many people in Mexico take to go long distances. Many people ended up falling asleep, as the trip was nothing new to them, but I wanted to see a new place that for a long part of my life I never wanted to see. What I saw was something that I would have never expected.


I saw hills that seemed to go on forever filled with trees, and so many plants that for a second I thought I was back in New Zealand, seeing the wild bush again. This might not seem like a big deal, but in my post I wrote that I thought Mexico was a desert filled with cactus. I was so wrong. I saw that it was greener than California. I've always been attracted to nature and trees. I find this more beautiful than a city with impressive architecture. For me to see this was important. I realized that Mexico had a lot to offer and is much more than the stereotype everyone associates it with.

After the bus ride, we arrived in Iguala De La Independencia in the state of Guerrero. To many people, this small city in Southern Mexico, where tourist don't travel too seems insignificant. For me, it isn't. This was the city that my mother grew up in. And if my life didn't turn out the way it did, it would have been where I grew up as well. Iguala is the third largest city in Guerrero and the birthplace of the first Mexican flag.


The first place I went to was my grandmothers house. This was the house my mother grew up in until she moved to California. I don't know why, but I was expecting it to look like any house in California. I was wrong. The houses over there aren't like the ones we're used to. Many people are poor and live off what they can. My family isn't poor, they're comfortable, but from our American perspective we'd see them as poor. The way my grandmothers house is there is a living room and the kitchen is outside in the open. There is only one room. In that room is where my mother, her two sisters, and her parents lived. The houses are small in comparison to ones in the states. There is no carpet, hardwood floors, or tile, there is only cement. There is no running water. When you shower you have to gather water in a bucket and pour it on your head. When you go toilet, you need to pour a bucket of water into the toilet to make it flush. In order to have water, they need to collect it in buckets from one faucet in the whole house or collect rain water. Small things like running water really shows how much we take luxuries for granted.

I'm not going to lie, when I saw my grandmother I got emotional. The last time I saw her I was four years old. We occasionally talked a little on the phone, but we never said much. I hadn't seen her in years, and she was basically a stranger. Yet I felt this deep fond connection to her. When I got there she was very sick. She had cancer and had spent a month before in the hospital having surgery. I've never taken the time to come see her, and when I finally did she was so ill. She said she wanted to get better because I was coming to see her. In that moment, I was extremely glad I went.

Although I spent my first night there at my grandmothers house, I actually lived at my aunt Laura's house. Her house was the most modern out of the places I could have stayed. She had running water and tiled floor. She also had three dogs, one of them is named Candy and I love her she's my favorite.

During my three weeks, I ended up traveling all over the state to some really beautiful areas.

Taxco

Grutas de Cacahuamilpa

Acapulco

Iguala

When I wasn't in one of these amazing places. I spent my time in Iguala, living like a local. I spent a lot of time with my family. I'd go to the marketplace with my aunt Laura and go eat goat tacos for breakfast. I ended up eating a lot of good food. Mexican food is so good, but so bad for you. The people over there eat meat for every single meal and hardly eat vegetables. I'm used to eating pretty healthy, so I really wasn't used to eating so badly. Also I found some food had a lot of excess sugar. For churros, they would add condensed milk or caramel over them. My family also drank a lot of Coke. I don't drink soda so they were really admired that all I wanted was water. 

I would go to my grandmothers house and spend time with her. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible since she was sick. She slept most of the time. But when she wasn't asleep, I would just spend time with her. She actually made me one of my favorite foods: mole verde. It was the best one I have ever had. Everyone always talked about how good my grandmother cooked, they were right. 

I also spent a lot of time with my niece and nephew: Mario and Daniela. I would go to Mario's soccer games and me and Daniela would spend a lot of time playing Uno together. I never thought that I could love kids that weren't my own. But they proved me wrong. I love those kids so much. 

The Mexican flag is very important to Iguala, since the first flag was made there. My family made an afternoon trip and took me to the Mexican flag overlooking the city. It was huge and one of the largest flags in the world.  It was nice to have the family up there and teach me something about their country and where the town. 

Honestly, I let myself be me. I didn't wear makeup at all when I was in Mexico. One of the differences I noticed was that people there are more confident with who they are. In the U.S. our country is based on images. We're told to look a certain way and to feel bad about ourselves when we don't. But over there you are who you are. I adopted that philosophy as well. I didn't wear makeup and didn't straighten my hair. In the process, I became very confident and comfortable in my own skin.

On my last day there, my aunt threw me and my grandmother a birthday party because we were both born on the same day, but I would be leaving earlier because of school. We bought one of my favorite cakes and had Mexican hot chocolate. It was the perfect way to spend my last day there. My grandmother looked very happy and I was sad to know that I was leaving her.

I truly love Iguala, my motherland. It's really sad what recently happened there after I came back home. But what happened does not reflect the city. If anything, I hope things calm down because my family lives there and I want them to be safe. I also want to be able to go back and not have to worry about being in danger.


At the end of this trip, I feel more grateful for the things I have, and makes me more appreciative of the sacrifices my mom had to make in order for me and my sister to have a better life than her. I have a better sense of belonging. My whole life I never had a big family, it was always just my parents and sister. Now I'm an aunt, a granddaughter, a niece, and a cousin. People that I have never met before welcomed me and loved me, and I loved them. I am Mexican-American, and I'm very proud to say that. I'm very proud of where my family comes from. This summer has completely changed my life the most positive way possible. My grandmother actually passed away in November. I'm very happy that I went to go see and meet her before it was too late. For that I am eternally grateful. I'm so happy that I went on this trip and am excited to go back soon. I had no idea who I was until this trip. Even though I am more American than anything, I am very proud of the Mexican blood running through my veins.

For all the Mexican Americans like me who aren't interested in going to Mexico, I strongly encourage you to go and learn about your family's history and culture. Even if you aren't Mexican, going to your motherland is such an important experience to have. It is truly a spiritual and heart warming experience. I don't regret at all going, the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

I am having a bad day today. I'm human, I get sad, and I cry sometimes. But instead of ignoring it, I decided to embrace it, and it's led me to release my creative writing and thinking onto this post. Being sad, I kept thinking about love. It's no surprise that when I first started this blog, a lot of my posts were the result of love. I have been in love, or so I would like to believe I was. I felt something for someone that I never felt toward anyone else. It was as if my soul (if there are souls) had found itself in another person. We were two beings, completely different, yet so similar. Absolutely happy and content with how we felt about each other, thinking we'd feel this way forever.

But life doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

While I was thinking about this, I started asking myself, when do you stop loving someone? Is it the moment you start to love someone else, shifting all that love onto a different person, or is it before? Is it even possible to stop loving? How could someone mean so much to you, and then not? Does it happen instantly, or is it something that needs to be worked on in order to progress?

All these thoughts were running through my mind that I started to reflect on myself, and past in regards to love. The last person that I loved, I was completely and utterly happy. What I felt was beautiful. It was the only time in my life where it actually felt perfect, even when nothing was. It was the happiest I had been with anyone. But that love resulted in me being very sad for a long long time. Was love worth it? Was feeling depressed worth the bliss?

My answer would be no. I would rather not have been in love, it wouldn't be worth all the pain I felt because of it. But I can't change what's already happened.

Now I question myself. Was I still in love? Did I want to be? Can I change my mind? And if I wasn't, then did I ever love in the first place?

I have no answers. Sometimes, there are things that can never be truly answered, only thought of.

This year, one of my main goals was to become more confident in myself. I have been insecure my whole life. I never felt that I was pretty and wondered why any man would want to be with me. I would always complain to people saying, "I wish I was pretty" or "Why can't I look like her." I realized this was a really negative aspect of my life and that I needed to change.

As of now, I am a lot more confident. I've really come to accept myself and not care about what other people think of me. I do feel pretty, and am happy with myself. I don't feel threatened by other girls. Yea there are other girls who will be prettier than me, but who cares. I'm me and that's all I can be. I've become very comfortable with who I am as a person. It took a while and hard work to get where I am now. It was worth it. But, I still want to grow.

It wasn't until I watched Anna Akana's video that I asked myself, "Am I sexy?"


The answer is no. Like Anna, I have never felt sexy about myself. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, but not with being sexy. Trying to be sexy is hard and weird. You don't realize it until you actually try. I'm an awkward person. Me trying to be sexy just makes things more awkward.

I want to change this. As of now, I am going to work on being sexy. This is something that I need to be actively working towards to achieve. I'm not doing this so that guys think I'm sexy. Anna's right, it is completely subjective. Also, I don't care about other peoples opinions. I'm doing this for myself. Doing this will completely take me out of my comfort zone. I've come pretty far on my journey to feeling more confident in myself. So, why should I stop now?

Since I've started this blog, I've found myself on this unexpected journey when it comes to Anberlin. From merely starting off writing that I've discovered a great band, to seeing them live and meeting them at Warped Tour, to reviewing their final album, I've now found myself at the end of this journey. Last night, I saw Anberlin for the last time on The Final Tour at the House of Blues in Anaheim.

I knew this day was coming for a long time. Knowing that, I have been eagerly waiting for the day where I can say, "Yeah I saw Anberlin on their Final Tour." I knew it'd be amazing and a night I will never forget. I was right. My final Anberlin show did not disappoint.

I've been to the House of Blues in Anaheim before. As a venue I like it as it's pretty small and intimate. I can see why Anberlin chose this place. It allowed them to really connect with their audience on such an important night. I prefer these types of venues in comparison to arenas because you get pretty close to the band and are able to meet people who are also there for the same reason you are.

I was expecting Anberlin to play songs from Lowborn, since most bands perform songs from their most recent albums. But I was surprised to find that nothing from Lowborn was played. Instead the night consisted of their most popular songs from their prior six albums.

The night started off with "Never Take Friendship Personal", getting everyone upbeat and excited for the rest of the night. They ended up playing 21 songs: "We Owe This to Ourselves", Paperthin Hymn", "Self-Starter", "Readyfuels", "Someone Anyone", "Other Side", "(The Symphony of ) Blasé", Take Me (As You Found Me)", "The Unwinding Cable Car", "The Haunting", "Modern Age", "Breaking", "Impossible", "Time & Confusion", "A Day Late", "Hello Alone", "Dismantle.Repair",  "The Resistance", "Godspeed", and "Feel Good Drag."

The order of the setlist was perfect. It created a good variation of fast good feeling songs that made you happy to be there, to more calm and mellow songs that made you appreciate how talented Anberlin is.

"12 years. We could not be more excited for you guys to be singing along and dancing along with us. Thank you guys very much. Thanks to all our friends and family for being with us tonight." - Stephen Christian

"(The Symphony of) Blasé" got to me. With lyrics like, "This is our last goodnight. Say what you will. Say all that you can. This is our last goodbye," you can't help but think this night is their last goodbye. My favorite song of the night was "The Unwinding Cable Car."Apart from being one of my favorite songs, it's one of the first songs I listened to from Anberlin. Listening to this song so many times on my computer, I couldn't believe I was hearing it live. Christian has amazing vocals and you can see how much passion he has from this performance.  The songs lyrics are wonderful that they touch your soul.  Playing favorite songs made mine and the audiences night more enjoyable. As we were able to sing out to our favorite songs while fist pumping, jumping, and dancing.

"I think if we could leave anything for you guys it would be to inspire you to do and dream and think bigger than you ever thought possible...You never know, you just never know. When you guys follow your dreams, this life is amazing so keep going. Joey, me and Dion all come from the same city. 27 thousand of little nothing town. So if we can make it, you can make it. " - 

Stephen Christian. 

When Anberlin came back on stage for their encore performance, I knew what was happening. This was it. It's the final song, and the night was ending. "*Fin" is a very calm song. With soft guitar and  opening, and finishes off with a faster pace, harmonic vocals, and harder drums. It was the perfect song to end the night with. Stephen Christian at the end of "*Fin" started saying, "We'll live forever, forever, forever." These are lyrics to "Harbinger", the last song on Lowborn. When I heard this, I was about to cry. All these years ended with this moment.

Christian was right, they are going to live forever. Because although Anberlin as a band won't be together, they live. They live in the hearts of all the fans they've touched throughout these 12 years. They will always carry a special place in my heart and will always be my favorite band. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. Anberlin will live forever.