I never expected it. I was spending the day with a friend after having worked with my company at an all day event the day prior. I was casually checking my email when I got an email from my boss saying not to come in until mid week to discuss my schedule. Although the email was vague, I had a feeling something wasn't right. I spent the days prior to my meeting trying to convince myself that I was overreacting. That the email gave no indication I would be let go. When I finally came to meet with my boss, I realized my gut feeling was right. It came out of nowhere and it was nothing I thought would ever happen. I didn't know what to do. I was fired.

Having never been fired before I did what came naturally, I cried. I gave myself a couple of days to just cry, wallow, and acknowledge my emotions. I felt really bad about myself. I felt like a failure and that I wasn't good enough. Living in a society that puts so much emphasis on your success and your career, it's really easy to feel depressed when you don't have a job. I felt the termination was my fault and found myself comparing myself to others. I'm a 23 year old who hasn't been able to get a full time job since graduation. It seemed every where I looked I saw people who are successful/happy with full time jobs. I felt there was something wrong with me and even worse about being fired. But I know that's not true and being fired is not a reflection of who I am and my value as a person.

So although I gave myself time to grief and felt bad about my situation, I came to the realization that everything happens for a reason. I wasn't happy at my job, I really wasn't. I was thinking of ways to leave but never acted on it. It was so much easier to stay at my job because I was getting paid and everything felt comfortable and familiar. It's a lot harder to leave and not know what the future has in store. I really believe getting fired was the universe giving me sign. It was the catalyst I needed to make a positive change in my life and really find something that brings me passion, creativity, and the feeling that I'm helping people and changing lives. Although I have no idea when I'll get a job or what it will be, I know the universe has given me an opportunity to find great, unexpected, and better opportunities.

As of now being fired has given me the time to relax and really think about what I want to do in my life. It's allowed me to really focus on having healthier relationships with people. Now when I see my friends the first thing I say isn't my about my frustrating day at work, it's my actual thoughts and interests. It's made me realize how grateful I am for the things and people I have in my life. For all the love I have and the love I received when I got fired. I'm an emotional person and joke when I tell my friends I feel everything, but I really do. My friends who checked up on me and genuinely cared for my well being don't know how appreciative and grateful I am for them.

So if you're in a situation where you feel bad about yourself because you got fired or don't have a job, don't be. Your job is what you do, but it's not who you are. Your job position adds to your life, but it's not your life. There is more to me than what is on my resume. My title didn't define me, my capabilities, or my future job. I don't want to be known as a person for what I did when I sat at my desk. I want to be defined by my actions, compassion, and hopefully ability to inspire. So don't ever feel like your identity is imbedded in what you do. Situations like these aren't permanent. Everything happens for a reason. Allow moments like these for self-growth and the chance to become happier human beings.

It's been a while since the last time I wrote on here.

The last thing I wrote was Day 25 - Identify Your Stress Triggers as a part of my 30 Day Minimalism Challenge. On day 25 I wrote about how I was stressed about my job situation. I had been feeling that way since I moved back home because I was unhappy with where I was at. It seemed that everyone I knew had a job after college, but I was still here applying for so many jobs that I never heard back from. I was getting frustrated, confused, and sad with the situation.

"It's really disheartening knowing that you apply and don't receive anything."

I kept that post short because as I was writing I had a breakdown. The only thing I could concentrate on was the fact that I was still unemployed. At the time I was applying for journalism related jobs because that was what I majored in. It wasn't really want I wanted to do, but I was getting frustrated and kept applying because I wanted a job. But during my breakdown I felt I wasn't a good writer. I felt stupid even applying for those type of jobs. I got so frustrated that right then and there I decided that I was going to stop writing. I stopped pursuing journalism and I quit this blog. I had a little Rory Gilmore moment. That's the reason I didn't finish my challenge and haven't written anything since then. I needed all my time and concentration to figure out what I was going to do next.

After that things started to look up. In the past three months I decided to pursue public relations as a career because I didn't have to start my skills and experience from scratch. I felt I could be in many different work environments with public relations. I ended up getting a part time job doing Marketing and Public Relations for a company that caters to renewable energy solutions.

Everything was good up until a couple weeks ago where I started to dislike my job. Although I liked what I was doing, I didn't like the work environment. I realized that marketing is something I want to pursue, but I wasn't happy with the company. I was starting to feel how I felt a couple months ago: frustrated. I've been applying for new jobs, but they haven't been what I'm looking for.

During my free time when I'm not applying for jobs, there has been a voice telling me to start writing again. I don't know what direction my life is going in, but I know every step and decision I make will ultimately lead me to what I'm suppose to do with my life. I just have to take each day one at a time and work my hardest in the moment I am right now. This low point is just the start of my next great adventure.

As of today my hiatus is over. I am going to start blogging again and not just post sad topics like I did when I first started this blog. I want to share happy and personal moments of my life. I hope in some way with every entry I post they can inspire someone somewhere.

About a couple months ago I wrote a post called: Why I'm Single and I basically gave a list of the reasons as to why I've chosen to stay single. When I wrote that post I didn't lie, but for the past year and a half I was seeing someone. However, I recently went through a break up and breakups are the worst thing in the world. You're sad, you cry, and you feel hopeless, or at least that's how I felt. I felt really hurt and that's why I included that quote from Ernest Hemingway and decided to write about it.

It was very hard for me because I was emotionally attached to this person for a long time and all of a sudden it was over. I knew I was never going to speak or see this person every again. Even though we weren't together for a long time, we had been friends for four years and he was one of the first friends I met at UCI. Losing someone is hard because it doesn't happen every day. I think that's what made me really sad, knowing that I would never see someone that was a part in my life for a long time.

Yesterday I was really sad, but I have amazing friends who helped me feel better and told me exactly what I needed to hear. Once I started feeling better and stopped crying, there were so many other things that were running through my mind such as: what am I going to do now, am I ready to date again, am I ready for a relationship? To be honest I don't really know, but instead of asking myself these questions, perhaps I should focus on myself.

Right now, I really need to find a job, start my career, and my life. This is now the perfect time to work on myself and get my life together, but just because I'm doing that doesn't mean I'm not open to dating. If I meet someone amazing I'm not going to limit myself. I can't control what happens, I just need to live in the moment and be honest with myself. Dating isn't the priority, but if that ends up happening then it's fine.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to give myself my best chance.

I don't want to be in a relationship. I haven't been in one in a year. Being in a relationship and having a boyfriend aren't the most important things in my life right now. I don't even want to date and haven't done so in over a year so that there is no possible way that the date will flourish into a relationship. I have told some people this, and while some people understand and others don't, it is completely my choice. Here are my reasons why I choose to stay single right now.

1. I'm 21 years old and I'm about to graduate from college. I'm pretty much at the prime of my life right now. I'm about to start my career and basically my life. But, I am also still learning who I am. I want to fall in love with myself before I do with someone else. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want to really enjoy life.

2. I don't want to be dependent. After my last relationship I could have started dating right away. I know many women who do this, become co-dependent and start a new relationship right after their old one ends. They need a man to make them happy and forget their previous partner. But I don't. I don't need someone else to make me feel good about myself.

3. Guys come and go, but your girl friends are forever. I've made friends in college who I can say will be my good friends for life. I value their friendship so much. I want to be able to spend time with them while we're all in the same area before we all go our separate ways.

4. I want to travel the world. Being in one area or one job for the rest of my life scares me. I want to be able to have the possibility to move where ever and whenever I want. Being in a relationship complicates that because I can't just think about myself and my needs. I would need to think about them as well. I don't want to do that right now. I want to be free.

5. I don't want to sacrifice my needs and dreams for any man. It's easy to feel content with being someones girlfriend when you're in love. I know I've been there. But 20 years from now do I want to look back on my life and see myself not pursuing my dreams because I was too focused on love. Or do I want to look back and say I did everything I wanted to do, and if I didn't at least I tried. I chose the later.

6. Last but not least, I'm a little scared. It's a scary thing to be with someone. You become so vulnerable that it's so easy to get hurt. It's not a nice feeling and after my previous relationship, it's not something I want to go through again anytime soon.

But just because I'm choosing not to love someone else doesn't mean I don't love. I love my family, my friends, and recently I've been loving nature more. I really want to give these three things all of my love and make them realize how important they are in my life.

I am having a bad day today. I'm human, I get sad, and I cry sometimes. But instead of ignoring it, I decided to embrace it, and it's led me to release my creative writing and thinking onto this post. Being sad, I kept thinking about love. It's no surprise that when I first started this blog, a lot of my posts were the result of love. I have been in love, or so I would like to believe I was. I felt something for someone that I never felt toward anyone else. It was as if my soul (if there are souls) had found itself in another person. We were two beings, completely different, yet so similar. Absolutely happy and content with how we felt about each other, thinking we'd feel this way forever.

But life doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

While I was thinking about this, I started asking myself, when do you stop loving someone? Is it the moment you start to love someone else, shifting all that love onto a different person, or is it before? Is it even possible to stop loving? How could someone mean so much to you, and then not? Does it happen instantly, or is it something that needs to be worked on in order to progress?

All these thoughts were running through my mind that I started to reflect on myself, and past in regards to love. The last person that I loved, I was completely and utterly happy. What I felt was beautiful. It was the only time in my life where it actually felt perfect, even when nothing was. It was the happiest I had been with anyone. But that love resulted in me being very sad for a long long time. Was love worth it? Was feeling depressed worth the bliss?

My answer would be no. I would rather not have been in love, it wouldn't be worth all the pain I felt because of it. But I can't change what's already happened.

Now I question myself. Was I still in love? Did I want to be? Can I change my mind? And if I wasn't, then did I ever love in the first place?

I have no answers. Sometimes, there are things that can never be truly answered, only thought of.

This year, one of my main goals was to become more confident in myself. I have been insecure my whole life. I never felt that I was pretty and wondered why any man would want to be with me. I would always complain to people saying, "I wish I was pretty" or "Why can't I look like her." I realized this was a really negative aspect of my life and that I needed to change.

As of now, I am a lot more confident. I've really come to accept myself and not care about what other people think of me. I do feel pretty, and am happy with myself. I don't feel threatened by other girls. Yea there are other girls who will be prettier than me, but who cares. I'm me and that's all I can be. I've become very comfortable with who I am as a person. It took a while and hard work to get where I am now. It was worth it. But, I still want to grow.

It wasn't until I watched Anna Akana's video that I asked myself, "Am I sexy?"


The answer is no. Like Anna, I have never felt sexy about myself. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, but not with being sexy. Trying to be sexy is hard and weird. You don't realize it until you actually try. I'm an awkward person. Me trying to be sexy just makes things more awkward.

I want to change this. As of now, I am going to work on being sexy. This is something that I need to be actively working towards to achieve. I'm not doing this so that guys think I'm sexy. Anna's right, it is completely subjective. Also, I don't care about other peoples opinions. I'm doing this for myself. Doing this will completely take me out of my comfort zone. I've come pretty far on my journey to feeling more confident in myself. So, why should I stop now?

As I've been spending a lot of time by myself this summer, I've had time to reflect on quite a lot of things. When you're alone, you have no one to talk to so you have to figure out other ways to pass the time. For me, I like to think and put my thoughts down in words. I end up thinking about a lot of things. Some of that stuff is just what I'm going to do for the week and it's pretty unimportant. But other times it's more serious, like how I reflect on the person I have become in a short amount of time.

One of the things that I've noticed is that I'm not the person I used to be. It's common for someone to constantly be changing. I remember in high school, people would say you change so much when you go to college. I just thought whatever and didn't give it much thought. But now that it's the summer before my last year of college, I can see that they were right. I've changed so much. While some of those changes were good, I'm seeing that perhaps I've lost a part of myself in the process.

I used to care and was so passionate about things that I considered bigger than myself. One of the big things that I would say I identified most was being a vegetarian. I've always been an animal lover and became a vegetarian because I thought it was wrong the way the meat industry treated animals. Meat ended up becoming a commodity and factory farms didn't care about the way animals were killed as long as they had their product. I ended up becoming a vegetarian for three years because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I was also very open about atheism and telling people why I didn't have a religion. I probably shouldn't have done that because I don't like it when people tell me what to believe in and I shouldn't do that as well. I would spend a lot of time outdoors as well. I would go on weekly hikes with my family and I would bike everywhere. I liked being outdoors and having an active lifestyle. I've always believed being outdoors and appreciating nature was good for you.

I was very outspoken about a lot of things, and I probably annoyed a heck of a lot of people. But I thought it was important to voice my opinion on these matters and perhaps get people to think differently.

But I don't do any of that stuff anymore. It's been a year since I stopped being a vegetarian and I thinking about animal rights. I used to think it was wrong of me to be contributing to that injustice. But this year I didn't care. I ate whatever I wanted. I hid being an atheist from people. I stopped going hiking and riding my bike and preferred to stay indoors. I had become like everyone else. I was following the crowd and lost myself in the process. Who had I become?

I barley started realizing what was happening to me. I used to care about so many things and I've allowed myself to become passionless about things that I felt were important. These are just a couple, but I became apathetic towards a lot of things. I would like to think that this is due to reverse culture shock. But I don't think I am allowed to say that. This is a bigger thing that just being sad about coming back to California.

Maybe I should try and be like how I used to be, or maybe not. This isn't something that can happen over night. I need to be able to find myself again, as crazy as that might sound. Perhaps I need to walk alone for a while to find myself in places I never thought of looking in before and figure out what really is important to me.

Taking New Zealand Literature this quarter, I was very hesitant in whether I would like the class or not. Having actually lived in New Zealand for half a year, I didn't see how I could learn or see more about the country I love the most. My study abroad experience was truly amazing and I loved everything about it. Being in a class room learning about New Zealand didn't seem like something I would like since I  got to experience what that beautiful country had to offer. In the beginning I wasn't taking the class seriously because I felt I already knew everything since I had taken a class at VUW on The Treaty of Waitangi. I learned so much about New Zealand history, Maori and Pakeha relations, and violations to the Treaty. By the end of this class, I had this new passion for Maori Pakeha relations and writing about violations to the Treaty in regards to confiscating Maori land. But one thing that this class, that I did not like, has done for me is it reminded me of this passion of mine that I stopped thinking about when I returned to California.

I've been bad and haven't updated this in a while. When I started this blog I've made it my goal to write a new post at least once a week; more if I felt inspired to write about something in particular. The reason I haven't been doing that for a while is that I wasn't inspired to write. My life has been going through the same routine and my creativity has dwindled because of it. I didn't want to post something on here that would be garbage because I didn't put my passion into it, but merely to fulfill a quota I set up. But something that I have become passionate about besides traveling and studying abroad, that has inspired my life in a different way is fashion.

Fashion has always been something that I have liked. In high school I got really into the beauty community on YouTube. I loved watching Juicystar07 do her makeup and show the clothes she bought in her haul videos. As I got older, I still liked watching these videos. However, I didn't see the necessity to watch as many makeup videos. Makeup was something that I didn't really wear as much as these girls on YouTube. I didn't see the need to put on a full face of makeup every single day. That doesn't mean I don't like and use makeup, I do and am a strong believer of using it to bring out your natural features. But I wanted to be my natural self and didn't see makeup as a way to express myself.

I then started watching fashion videos, in particular Cutiepiemarzia's. There was something different about watching fashion instead of makeup. Fashion seemed more creative and natural. These people showed how they can take clothing that anyone can buy and use it to express their personalities. I still watch these videos now and I didn't realize why I continued to do so. I took me a while to realize that fashion is important to me. I see these videos as inspiration on not only what to wear, but how to wear something that I already own and use it to express myself. Marzia in particular has showed me that you don't necessarily need to follow trends, but to know what your style is and be comfortable expressing who are through your clothes.

This quarter I decided to take LJ103 Fashion and Celebrity. It fit in my schedule and was a class I needed for my major. Honestly, I didn't know if I would like it or not. I never considered myself a fashionable person and had no interest in celebrities. But surprisingly, this has became my favorite class this quarter. I originally though that this class was going to focus on how to be fashionable and physical aesthetics. But it has to deal more with reading about fashion and what the industry really is. The class has allowed me to think about something that affects us every single day. I find it fascinating.

Fashion has always been a part of my life one way or another. But now is the time that I'm realizing that perhaps it's something that I should pursue. And although I may not know as much as other people in regards to fashion and style, this is something that I am willing to learn more about. Although I might encounter obstacles along the way, I won't let others discourage me and will continue to pursue this new dream of mine. At the moment I want to pursue fashion journalism and am currently in the process of becoming an intern for an online fashion publication. This is something I've become very passionate about and I'm excited to see where it will go.

Break up's are hard, very hard. Those of you who have never had a bad break up, I'm jealous. By saying that, I don't want to imply that my break up was bad. It was, but it was better than most I've had. I still had my heart broke; but it was better in that I didn't spend much time being depressed and quickly started realizing that this wasn't the end of the world. I started to see this as an opportunity to better myself. Now I didn't necessarily feel that there was something wrong with me. But at the time there wasn't anything good about me either.

When I came back from New Zealand, I had this idea in my head that I was going to start working on my writing career again. My second year of college I had joined my campus' newspaper, I was an intern for the club I was in, and I worked at the Rec center at my school. I was very involved in school and was doing very well academically. So when I came back I thought that I would continue what I did last year, write and earn some extra money. But I was wrong. This past quarter I can honestly say has been one of the worst I've ever had. I had stopped writing and wasn't trying to pursue it again. I stopped going to work and my grades suffered. This was all because I was putting all my time and energy into my relationship. Having a long distance relationship is hard, it really is. If it was easy, everyone would do it. I felt I had to put all I could into the relationship in order to make it work. The bad part about this was that I wasn't giving myself time to grow, to apply all the skills and knowledge I've learned from going abroad into my life and work.

But now that I am no longer in that relationship, I have the time to really better myself and make myself the person that I know I can be. And I'm not going to lie, I am still sad about my breakup. I loved him very much and still do. But that doesn't mean I need to sulk in my sadness. I don't need to continue and feel that I did something wrong or that he did as well. Now that it's over I can really analyze myself as a person and realize my faults and better myself. For this reason, I can say this is probably the first time where a breakup has been good, good at allowing me to see that I need self improvement.

There area a number of things that have contributed to this realization.

In my spare time I like to read articles about travel, studying abroad, and self improvement. Today I randomly stumbled upon a self-improvement one. When I read the title I didn't think I would get a lot out of it, I mean it was called "The Guide to Strong Boundaries". I didn't know what "boundaries" meant so I decided I should give it a try and now I'm writing this post as a reflection to what I've read.

I don't want to give a summary of what the article said so I am going to include it here.

I saw myself in a lot of the points this made and made me realize a lot of my faults. I am needy, even if I hate to admit it, I am. I'm not as bad as I think other people are. But I was asking a lot from my ex-boyfriend. I wanted us to talk all the time and that was not okay. My needs made me dependent. I never realized it but I am a dependent person especially around my family. I always had to ask permission to do what I wanted to do from my parents and I still do it now. I still find myself asking them on decisions I should make. And I did the same thing in my relationship, I always asked for permission and needed external approval. My needs and dependence are reflections that I have weak boundaries.

I also have a tendency to want to "save" peoples problems. I tried to "fix" my ex-boyfriend. I didn't realize I was doing it because I felt I thought I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and friend in fixing his problems. But in reality I felt my good actions would make me receive love and appreciation. But I can't keep fixing people, it's not my job to do that. If my ex-boyfriend really wanted to get better he would fix his problems on his own.

I have weak boundaries and I wouldn't have realized it now if I hadn't stumbled upon that article. I like reading articles about travel and life because they are universal and something everyone can relate to. Now I don't think we should believe and follow everything we read. We should be objective and see things that work for us and what doesn't. For this article I saw what my faults are, but it's up to me to change myself in the way I see most fitting.

The thing I got the most out of this was that I realized I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I can't be with someone if I am dependent of them. So although I am sad about my breakup, I wasn't ready to be in it. The only thing I can do now is try to be an independent person and establish myself on my own before I can be with someone else.

Ever since I've gotten back from studying abroad, I've had a desire to leave. Not necessarily leave the United States or California, because this is my home and I'm the person I am because of where I was raised. But I've just had the urge to go out and explore and see things that I've never seen before. The only other state that I've been to is Nevada and that's only because of Las Vegas. I haven't even been anywhere farther north than San Luis Obispo, CA. There are so many things in California and the United States that I feel I need to go out and see. I have this wanderlust in me that's pushing me to take any opportunity I can to go travel.

I've always heard the phrase "A picture is worth a thousand words", but I never understood the true meaning of what this meant. Yes, you can physically describe what's in a picture in a thousand words.

However, seeing a certain photo today made me realize that a picture really is worth a thousand words.
I found this photo off my friend Josh who was studying with me while I spent a semester abroad in New Zealand.

But there isn't anything spectacular about this photo. It's just a photo of hill, nothing special right? Well you're wrong because this photo and this hill mean so much to me.

This hill was right by the apartment I lived when I attended uni there. Me and my ex-boyfriend would always walk down here. We'd go to town and go eat at Satay Kingdom or Burger Fuel. It was a means for us to enjoy spending time with each other. We'd walk down talking to each other and we never came here without the other. We'd walk in the morning, afternoon, night, and even when it was raining. We slowly got to know each other more and more and somehow ended up loving each other more everyday.

This was also the hill that I walked with a lot of my friends. We'd go down and grab something to eat when the weather was nice. We'd spend time with each other and just be happy that we're able to be studying abroad here and have a close connection with people we just met. This was the way we'd go to the bars on the weekend and the way we'd come home after having a good time.

I give credit to Josh for being an amazing photographer. When I look at this picture, I feel like I'm still here. That I'm at the top of this hill looking down on Wellington ready to walk down to Cuba Street. That I'm standing next to my best friend ready to walk down and enjoy a nice dinner at our usual place. That we'll have a nice evening together, enjoying each other's company and be happy we have each other in our lives while we had time to physically be with each other.

I took a lot of pictures in New Zealand. But I never bothered to take a picture of this hill. It didn't seem significant at the time. It was just something that was always there and had no reason to be photographed. But after seeing this picture, this is what I should have taken pictures of. Places that I could look back on and see the personal connections I've made with everyone I've walked down that hill.

I now have a higher respect and love for photography. It isn't just about taking pretty pictures. To me its now about taking pictures of something that will touch people. Making people feel something they wouldn't have felt or thought about if it wasn't for looking at a specific photograph. It's to help people realize the small things in life and see how amazing they really are.

So a picture is worth a thousand words; well this one is to me. I could say a thousand different things about this place. I could tell a lot of different stories that happened here. I could say about times that I was happy, sad, frustrated. But each one those moments were special, special in it's own way. So although this was one of the few hills I walked on during my trip. A hill so small compared to the others, it did contribute to one the most amazing experiences of my life.

After coming back from a semester abroad, I've realized that I'm not the same person I was before I left.

Prior to leaving I was a shy girl who had a hard time having a normal conversation with people. I felt that I had to look the way society wanted me to look. When I became 18, I started becoming obsessed with makeup. It was something I felt that I needed to wear because I wanted to look "beautiful". Although I do not want to admit it, I was seeking male attention. Growing up, a lot of the boys didn't like me. I was never considered pretty to them so when I started college I wanted attention, the kind of attention I never had before.

Because of that, I did stuff my first year of college that I am not proud of. I hurt someone who cared so much about me and I pretended it didn't happen. So when I finally started caring about someone they did what I had done. I felt that it was karma, that I was being punished for what I had done. I wanted to forget about it and act like nothing had ever happened. So when I tried to do different things that would distract me I decided to study abroad. And to be honest it was the best decision that I have ever made.

Being abroad has really allowed me to discover who I really am. When I was first there I'm not going to lie I hated it. I wanted to go back home and be in an environment that was familiar to me. I wanted to be surrounded by the friends that I already had and be back with the guy I thought I was in love with. But that was me before, ignorant of what the world had to offer and what I could learn from it.

Being away made me realize a lot of things I never would have. I discovered a love for traveling. I wanted to see things that I could never see at home. I became more social and started having conversations with people at hostels like I had known them my whole life. I started being less shy and just realized that people will like talking to you if you're yourself.

Another thing I realized was how important our environment really is. Having lived in a college town for the past two years I thought that all towns should look like this. I thought it was normal for concrete to be everywhere. But I realized that is so wrong. The way we live is not normal. We should be able to go outside and walk on a trail to get somewhere else and see animals in their natural habitat. We should be able to see large areas of field and get a desire to be outside. I loved being outdoors and it was something I wanted to do.

But the most important thing I got out of my experience was that I realized my self worth and that I am beautiful. Being away made me see that I didn't need to put up with all the hurt I had the year prior to going abroad. I made a big decision and I broke up with my boyfriend, the person who caused me so much hurt and suffering my second year of college.  That was something that needed to happen but might not have if I had stayed home. I realized that I didn't need attention from guys because I honestly don't need it. Especially if it isn't worth it.

Although he might not know this, but my boyfriend abroad made me see how beautiful I really am. At the time I thought i couldn't live up to an image I thought was beautiful because I didn't look like the girls in the media. I didn't see why he thought i was beautiful because I didn't see anything extraordinary in the way I looked. But he was right, beauty is more than skin deep. I'm beautiful in my own way and I do not need to conform to how society tells me I should be. Because of this i stopped my old habits, I stopped straightening my hair everyday, I stopped wearing much makeup and I appreciate myself more. I am forever grateful to have had him in my life.

I realize who I am now. A girl who is comfortable with herself, who realizes she is beautiful in her own way. Someone who isn't afraid to take risks and be in an uncomfortable environment. Someone who realizes her self worth and won't put up with being with someone who thinks otherwise. Someone who realizes her mistakes and won't run away and won't hurt people. And all of this I have to thank studying abroad. It changed my life in the most positive way possible. I now have to take all these changes and use them to bring out positive changes not only in myself but in others.  It was a privilege to have had this experience and it's something I will always be grateful for.

It may seem like the end of the world right now, but it's not. This is just a small part of it. Just walk with all the confidence in the world and the right person will gravitate towards you.

This is what I need to tell myself every single day from now because right now it does seem like the end of the world for me. Yesterday, I lost my best friend and boyfriend. This was something I never thought would happen; I really thought he was my forever guy. We had made plans to be together and I was going to change my whole life for him and move back to New Zealand permanently. And he told me the same thing, that I was the love of his life and that we had a future together. Now that we're not together I realized that I'm never going back to New Zealand, I'm never going to see him and his family again, and I'm going to be home forever.

What most upsets me is that we aren't going to be friends anymore. We got along so well and we had so much in common. I really thought it was perfect and I still consider him my best friend despite what happened. But I know he's not my best  friend and I'm not his. I also know he doesn't love me even though he told me he does because if he truly loved me and was truly my best friend he wouldn't have done this to me. This isn't something you do to your friends and the person you love.

And I'm not going to lie I am sad, really sad. I really thought I had found my soulmate.

But I can't be sad forever. I need to take it upon me to love myself and realize that I am worth so much more. I need to look around and see that although i don't have a romantic love, I am surrounded by it. I have my family that loves me, my friends and guys at work that care about me and want me to succeed. I just need to start looking at the positive aspects of life because I deserve so much better.  I deserve to be with someone who will love me unconditionally. And I hope one day I can love someone and be loved in return.

But for now I need to live my life and be happy. Yes I am going to be sad for a while but time heals all wounds. I should walk with all the confidence in the world because I am great in my own way. And if my ex-boyfriend didn't see and appreciate it then it's his loss not mine.