Dependency and Reflections On Improving Myself

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Break up's are hard, very hard. Those of you who have never had a bad break up, I'm jealous. By saying that, I don't want to imply that my break up was bad. It was, but it was better than most I've had. I still had my heart broke; but it was better in that I didn't spend much time being depressed and quickly started realizing that this wasn't the end of the world. I started to see this as an opportunity to better myself. Now I didn't necessarily feel that there was something wrong with me. But at the time there wasn't anything good about me either.

When I came back from New Zealand, I had this idea in my head that I was going to start working on my writing career again. My second year of college I had joined my campus' newspaper, I was an intern for the club I was in, and I worked at the Rec center at my school. I was very involved in school and was doing very well academically. So when I came back I thought that I would continue what I did last year, write and earn some extra money. But I was wrong. This past quarter I can honestly say has been one of the worst I've ever had. I had stopped writing and wasn't trying to pursue it again. I stopped going to work and my grades suffered. This was all because I was putting all my time and energy into my relationship. Having a long distance relationship is hard, it really is. If it was easy, everyone would do it. I felt I had to put all I could into the relationship in order to make it work. The bad part about this was that I wasn't giving myself time to grow, to apply all the skills and knowledge I've learned from going abroad into my life and work.

But now that I am no longer in that relationship, I have the time to really better myself and make myself the person that I know I can be. And I'm not going to lie, I am still sad about my breakup. I loved him very much and still do. But that doesn't mean I need to sulk in my sadness. I don't need to continue and feel that I did something wrong or that he did as well. Now that it's over I can really analyze myself as a person and realize my faults and better myself. For this reason, I can say this is probably the first time where a breakup has been good, good at allowing me to see that I need self improvement.

There area a number of things that have contributed to this realization.

In my spare time I like to read articles about travel, studying abroad, and self improvement. Today I randomly stumbled upon a self-improvement one. When I read the title I didn't think I would get a lot out of it, I mean it was called "The Guide to Strong Boundaries". I didn't know what "boundaries" meant so I decided I should give it a try and now I'm writing this post as a reflection to what I've read.

I don't want to give a summary of what the article said so I am going to include it here.

I saw myself in a lot of the points this made and made me realize a lot of my faults. I am needy, even if I hate to admit it, I am. I'm not as bad as I think other people are. But I was asking a lot from my ex-boyfriend. I wanted us to talk all the time and that was not okay. My needs made me dependent. I never realized it but I am a dependent person especially around my family. I always had to ask permission to do what I wanted to do from my parents and I still do it now. I still find myself asking them on decisions I should make. And I did the same thing in my relationship, I always asked for permission and needed external approval. My needs and dependence are reflections that I have weak boundaries.

I also have a tendency to want to "save" peoples problems. I tried to "fix" my ex-boyfriend. I didn't realize I was doing it because I felt I thought I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and friend in fixing his problems. But in reality I felt my good actions would make me receive love and appreciation. But I can't keep fixing people, it's not my job to do that. If my ex-boyfriend really wanted to get better he would fix his problems on his own.

I have weak boundaries and I wouldn't have realized it now if I hadn't stumbled upon that article. I like reading articles about travel and life because they are universal and something everyone can relate to. Now I don't think we should believe and follow everything we read. We should be objective and see things that work for us and what doesn't. For this article I saw what my faults are, but it's up to me to change myself in the way I see most fitting.

The thing I got the most out of this was that I realized I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I can't be with someone if I am dependent of them. So although I am sad about my breakup, I wasn't ready to be in it. The only thing I can do now is try to be an independent person and establish myself on my own before I can be with someone else.

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