About a couple months ago, I was reading How to Make Magic With Gaia by Francesca Howell and in one of the chapters it talked about meditation. I was very intrigued and wanted to try it, but at the time I was really busy with school and eventually I just forgot about it. So for day two, I was actually really happy and excited about this one because I've always wanted to try meditation. Now I had an excuse to do it.

Since I've never done it before, I didn't really know what to do. I remembered on one of Ella Grace Denton's Instagram post she mentioned she downloaded the app Headspace to start her 30 days of meditation. I'm the kind of person who tries things based on peoples recommendations. I downloaded the app and it gave me 10 free days. Although the challenge was to meditate for 15 minutes, I actually did 10 because that's how long each session is.

At 2:30 P.M., I sat upright in my chair, faced the window in my room, and pressed play. Immediately Andy's voice was so soothing and reassuring that I felt he personally understood what I was feeling. I began with my eyes open, focusing, and becoming aware of the space around me. After, I closed my eyes and started to become aware of my breath. Even though I've never meditated before, I felt pretty comfortable at this point. I have been doing yoga for a year and know breathing practices such as ujjayi breath, so the breathing aspect felt quite natural.

I then started to become aware of how my body was feeling. My shoulders and back hurt because I had been at my desk all day, but my fingertips and toes felt light. When Andy told me to count my breaths, at one point I felt weightless as if I was floating. I have never felt anything like it before. When my mind started to wonder off, somehow Andy read it and said that was natural. He really does talk to you every step of the way. At the end of the session, I opened my eyes, saw my cat, and felt calm, relaxed, and connected with myself.

Even though it was only 10 minutes, I felt completely amazing after my meditation session. Sometimes were too busy with our every day lives that we don't think or become aware of how our body feels or moves. I think I'm going to continue with my 10 days and hopefully start meditating every single day.

Yesterday I spent a whole 24 hours offline. I didn't go on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Youtube, which I go on every single day. To be honest I thought the day was going to be very difficult. I'm always on my phone and I constantly have the urge to check my screen and see if anyone sent me anything, so being completely offline actually gave me anxiety. Through out the day I kept asking myself, "what if?" What if so and so messaged me, what if I got a snapchat. Before going offline I didn't realize how dependent I was of my phone and how I constantly needed to have my phone on me. Now, I realized being online is just a distraction from what I really need to do.

My day wasn't entirely exciting. I spent the whole day at home. I usually wake up and I check my social media accounts, but instead I woke up and went outside and cuddled with my cat. Since I've moved back home I've become very lazy and have neglected to actually play with her. So to be outside and have her want my attention and feel her soft fur nuzzle against my legs actually felt really nice. It's a far better way to start my day than to see other people's lives through a screen.

I ended up watching the Fellowship of the Ring extended edition with my mom. I haven't seen the Lord of the Rings in such a long time, even though I absolutely love it and has inspired a lot of my life, like the title of this blog. Instead of reading or seeing things I already love, I would usually try to occupy my time trying to distract myself with Youtube videos or my Facebook newsfeed. I did it so much that it became a routine. Throughout the movie I did have the need to check my phone, but I didn't and I'm glad. It's nice that being offline allowed me to reconnect with something that I really love. Also, even though me and my mom were just sitting there not talking to each other, it felt good just being with her. My strongest love language is quality time. I feel very loved when people I care about want to spend time with me. Once I start working, I won't have the free time to actually spend with my mom. I should take advantage of the time I have now to spend it with the people I love instead of my phone.

After, I ended up reading three chapters of A Dance With Dragons. Before I was bitching about the book because it's so long and nothing happens. I love the show, but this book is just a drag. When I was reading this time, I actually liked it. I get distracted really easily, so when I read I usually think of something else and end up checking my phone. I don't give the book the attention it deserves, so I end up not liking it. I love to read, but at the moment haven't been able to enjoy it. When I didn't go on my phone, it forced me to actually pay attention and really get into the story and enjoy my hobby.

Even though it wasn't much, this experience has made me realize that at some point I stopped being human. I stopped longing for contact with other living beings and began to feel content with people's online presence instead of their physical one. The sad things is, I'm not the only one that does this. As humans we've stopped talking and connecting with each other and instead stare at a screen. I don't want that. I want to be a human. I want to live my life and not feel anxious because I don't have my phone on me. I don't need to constantly check my phone and I think from now I won't. I want to live a life talking, hugging, engaging, and connecting with others.

As a recent college graduate, I feel like I'm in a rut. When I was in school I couldn't wait to graduate and have no school work, but now I just feel bored. I don't have a job yet and social media isn't grabbing my attention anymore. At school, I was always busy with class, work, internship, and my social life that I rarely had any time for myself where I could do the things I wanted to do like read for fun, go to the beach, or for a walk. I even neglected my blog and stopped writing for fun and only for class. But now that I literally have no one telling me what to do, I find myself not telling myself to do the things I've wanted to do and taking advantage of all this free time.

So when I stumbled upon this 30 day challenge, I thought why not. Since tomorrow is the first day of September, this seems like the perfect thing for me to have something to do and start writing again. At this moment, I need to reevaluate my life, find out what I really want, and discover new things about myself. I hope by the end of this challenge I'll live a more minimalist life and create the daily routine I need to create the momentum to start my life. I hope that my results might inspire others to live a minimalist life as well and perhaps get inspired.

I don't want to be in a relationship. I haven't been in one in a year. Being in a relationship and having a boyfriend aren't the most important things in my life right now. I don't even want to date and haven't done so in over a year so that there is no possible way that the date will flourish into a relationship. I have told some people this, and while some people understand and others don't, it is completely my choice. Here are my reasons why I choose to stay single right now.

1. I'm 21 years old and I'm about to graduate from college. I'm pretty much at the prime of my life right now. I'm about to start my career and basically my life. But, I am also still learning who I am. I want to fall in love with myself before I do with someone else. I want to be confident in my abilities. I want to really enjoy life.

2. I don't want to be dependent. After my last relationship I could have started dating right away. I know many women who do this, become co-dependent and start a new relationship right after their old one ends. They need a man to make them happy and forget their previous partner. But I don't. I don't need someone else to make me feel good about myself.

3. Guys come and go, but your girl friends are forever. I've made friends in college who I can say will be my good friends for life. I value their friendship so much. I want to be able to spend time with them while we're all in the same area before we all go our separate ways.

4. I want to travel the world. Being in one area or one job for the rest of my life scares me. I want to be able to have the possibility to move where ever and whenever I want. Being in a relationship complicates that because I can't just think about myself and my needs. I would need to think about them as well. I don't want to do that right now. I want to be free.

5. I don't want to sacrifice my needs and dreams for any man. It's easy to feel content with being someones girlfriend when you're in love. I know I've been there. But 20 years from now do I want to look back on my life and see myself not pursuing my dreams because I was too focused on love. Or do I want to look back and say I did everything I wanted to do, and if I didn't at least I tried. I chose the later.

6. Last but not least, I'm a little scared. It's a scary thing to be with someone. You become so vulnerable that it's so easy to get hurt. It's not a nice feeling and after my previous relationship, it's not something I want to go through again anytime soon.

But just because I'm choosing not to love someone else doesn't mean I don't love. I love my family, my friends, and recently I've been loving nature more. I really want to give these three things all of my love and make them realize how important they are in my life.

You think you know who are, but you don't know who you are. This might not make sense, but if you've read Oedipus Rex you'll know what I"m talking about. I thought I knew who I was my whole life, but I really had no idea.

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post stating that this summer I wanted to go to Mexico to see where my family comes from and get a better sense of who I am.  I'm very happy to say that I accomplished my goal. During the past months of August and September, I flew to Mexico and spent a total of three weeks there.

I'm not going to lie, I forgot how it felt to travel. Before my trip I kept telling friends, "Yea, I'm going to Mexico this summer." I was very nonchalant about it, until I actually had to go. The night before I left, I kept thinking to myself, "this is it, I'm actually going." Getting dropped off at the airport by my parents, being alone at the airport, with the adrenaline of going to a new place was a familiar feeling that I'd forgotten. I was scared and a little nervous. This wasn't like my study abroad trip where everything was planned. I was going somewhere new where I didn't know what would happen when I got off the plane.  I wasn't going to a resort in Cancun or Cabo San Lucas like many Americans do. I was going to a part of Mexico that wasn't a tourist destination.

I didn't know what to expect when I landed. To be honest, I thought Mexico would be a lot like the U.S. I've only been in first world countries, so naturally I thought Mexico would be a lot like what I've seen. I was wrong. From the view of the plane, Mexico City seemed like Los Angeles. A city that went on for miles with huge skyscrapers in the middle, revealing a metropolitan scene I was all too familiar with. But as the plane slowly descended, I immediately saw the differences. Houses were right next to each other like you would see in San Francisco. With many cars on the road, houses stacked one on top of the other, and the area looking dirty, the city looked like nothing I was used to.

When I arrived to Mexico City, I was picked up by my two aunts, Laura and Luz. I had never spoken to them in my entire life. They were family, but at the same time they were strangers. We didn't explore anything in Mexico City, and straight from the airport we took a taxi to the bus station to catch a bus that was suppose to take us three hours south to where they lived. Mexico City and Mexico in general is a pretty dangerous place. My aunts didn't want people to know that I was from the U.S. because of the fear that they would try to rob us. They wanted me on the bus right away and didn't let me out of their sight. I've never been in an area where I didn't feel safe - I live in Irvine -  until now.

I am the kind of person that goes with the flow. I never plan anything, especially when I go on trips. Even after being exposed to all these cultural changes, I wanted to do everything I possible could in Mexico. I knew I just had to keep an open mind.

The bus we got on was the equivalent to a Greyhound. This is the method many people in Mexico take to go long distances. Many people ended up falling asleep, as the trip was nothing new to them, but I wanted to see a new place that for a long part of my life I never wanted to see. What I saw was something that I would have never expected.


I saw hills that seemed to go on forever filled with trees, and so many plants that for a second I thought I was back in New Zealand, seeing the wild bush again. This might not seem like a big deal, but in my post I wrote that I thought Mexico was a desert filled with cactus. I was so wrong. I saw that it was greener than California. I've always been attracted to nature and trees. I find this more beautiful than a city with impressive architecture. For me to see this was important. I realized that Mexico had a lot to offer and is much more than the stereotype everyone associates it with.

After the bus ride, we arrived in Iguala De La Independencia in the state of Guerrero. To many people, this small city in Southern Mexico, where tourist don't travel too seems insignificant. For me, it isn't. This was the city that my mother grew up in. And if my life didn't turn out the way it did, it would have been where I grew up as well. Iguala is the third largest city in Guerrero and the birthplace of the first Mexican flag.


The first place I went to was my grandmothers house. This was the house my mother grew up in until she moved to California. I don't know why, but I was expecting it to look like any house in California. I was wrong. The houses over there aren't like the ones we're used to. Many people are poor and live off what they can. My family isn't poor, they're comfortable, but from our American perspective we'd see them as poor. The way my grandmothers house is there is a living room and the kitchen is outside in the open. There is only one room. In that room is where my mother, her two sisters, and her parents lived. The houses are small in comparison to ones in the states. There is no carpet, hardwood floors, or tile, there is only cement. There is no running water. When you shower you have to gather water in a bucket and pour it on your head. When you go toilet, you need to pour a bucket of water into the toilet to make it flush. In order to have water, they need to collect it in buckets from one faucet in the whole house or collect rain water. Small things like running water really shows how much we take luxuries for granted.

I'm not going to lie, when I saw my grandmother I got emotional. The last time I saw her I was four years old. We occasionally talked a little on the phone, but we never said much. I hadn't seen her in years, and she was basically a stranger. Yet I felt this deep fond connection to her. When I got there she was very sick. She had cancer and had spent a month before in the hospital having surgery. I've never taken the time to come see her, and when I finally did she was so ill. She said she wanted to get better because I was coming to see her. In that moment, I was extremely glad I went.

Although I spent my first night there at my grandmothers house, I actually lived at my aunt Laura's house. Her house was the most modern out of the places I could have stayed. She had running water and tiled floor. She also had three dogs, one of them is named Candy and I love her she's my favorite.

During my three weeks, I ended up traveling all over the state to some really beautiful areas.

Taxco

Grutas de Cacahuamilpa

Acapulco

Iguala

When I wasn't in one of these amazing places. I spent my time in Iguala, living like a local. I spent a lot of time with my family. I'd go to the marketplace with my aunt Laura and go eat goat tacos for breakfast. I ended up eating a lot of good food. Mexican food is so good, but so bad for you. The people over there eat meat for every single meal and hardly eat vegetables. I'm used to eating pretty healthy, so I really wasn't used to eating so badly. Also I found some food had a lot of excess sugar. For churros, they would add condensed milk or caramel over them. My family also drank a lot of Coke. I don't drink soda so they were really admired that all I wanted was water. 

I would go to my grandmothers house and spend time with her. I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible since she was sick. She slept most of the time. But when she wasn't asleep, I would just spend time with her. She actually made me one of my favorite foods: mole verde. It was the best one I have ever had. Everyone always talked about how good my grandmother cooked, they were right. 

I also spent a lot of time with my niece and nephew: Mario and Daniela. I would go to Mario's soccer games and me and Daniela would spend a lot of time playing Uno together. I never thought that I could love kids that weren't my own. But they proved me wrong. I love those kids so much. 

The Mexican flag is very important to Iguala, since the first flag was made there. My family made an afternoon trip and took me to the Mexican flag overlooking the city. It was huge and one of the largest flags in the world.  It was nice to have the family up there and teach me something about their country and where the town. 

Honestly, I let myself be me. I didn't wear makeup at all when I was in Mexico. One of the differences I noticed was that people there are more confident with who they are. In the U.S. our country is based on images. We're told to look a certain way and to feel bad about ourselves when we don't. But over there you are who you are. I adopted that philosophy as well. I didn't wear makeup and didn't straighten my hair. In the process, I became very confident and comfortable in my own skin.

On my last day there, my aunt threw me and my grandmother a birthday party because we were both born on the same day, but I would be leaving earlier because of school. We bought one of my favorite cakes and had Mexican hot chocolate. It was the perfect way to spend my last day there. My grandmother looked very happy and I was sad to know that I was leaving her.

I truly love Iguala, my motherland. It's really sad what recently happened there after I came back home. But what happened does not reflect the city. If anything, I hope things calm down because my family lives there and I want them to be safe. I also want to be able to go back and not have to worry about being in danger.


At the end of this trip, I feel more grateful for the things I have, and makes me more appreciative of the sacrifices my mom had to make in order for me and my sister to have a better life than her. I have a better sense of belonging. My whole life I never had a big family, it was always just my parents and sister. Now I'm an aunt, a granddaughter, a niece, and a cousin. People that I have never met before welcomed me and loved me, and I loved them. I am Mexican-American, and I'm very proud to say that. I'm very proud of where my family comes from. This summer has completely changed my life the most positive way possible. My grandmother actually passed away in November. I'm very happy that I went to go see and meet her before it was too late. For that I am eternally grateful. I'm so happy that I went on this trip and am excited to go back soon. I had no idea who I was until this trip. Even though I am more American than anything, I am very proud of the Mexican blood running through my veins.

For all the Mexican Americans like me who aren't interested in going to Mexico, I strongly encourage you to go and learn about your family's history and culture. Even if you aren't Mexican, going to your motherland is such an important experience to have. It is truly a spiritual and heart warming experience. I don't regret at all going, the only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

I am having a bad day today. I'm human, I get sad, and I cry sometimes. But instead of ignoring it, I decided to embrace it, and it's led me to release my creative writing and thinking onto this post. Being sad, I kept thinking about love. It's no surprise that when I first started this blog, a lot of my posts were the result of love. I have been in love, or so I would like to believe I was. I felt something for someone that I never felt toward anyone else. It was as if my soul (if there are souls) had found itself in another person. We were two beings, completely different, yet so similar. Absolutely happy and content with how we felt about each other, thinking we'd feel this way forever.

But life doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

While I was thinking about this, I started asking myself, when do you stop loving someone? Is it the moment you start to love someone else, shifting all that love onto a different person, or is it before? Is it even possible to stop loving? How could someone mean so much to you, and then not? Does it happen instantly, or is it something that needs to be worked on in order to progress?

All these thoughts were running through my mind that I started to reflect on myself, and past in regards to love. The last person that I loved, I was completely and utterly happy. What I felt was beautiful. It was the only time in my life where it actually felt perfect, even when nothing was. It was the happiest I had been with anyone. But that love resulted in me being very sad for a long long time. Was love worth it? Was feeling depressed worth the bliss?

My answer would be no. I would rather not have been in love, it wouldn't be worth all the pain I felt because of it. But I can't change what's already happened.

Now I question myself. Was I still in love? Did I want to be? Can I change my mind? And if I wasn't, then did I ever love in the first place?

I have no answers. Sometimes, there are things that can never be truly answered, only thought of.