I am having a bad day today. I'm human, I get sad, and I cry sometimes. But instead of ignoring it, I decided to embrace it, and it's led me to release my creative writing and thinking onto this post. Being sad, I kept thinking about love. It's no surprise that when I first started this blog, a lot of my posts were the result of love. I have been in love, or so I would like to believe I was. I felt something for someone that I never felt toward anyone else. It was as if my soul (if there are souls) had found itself in another person. We were two beings, completely different, yet so similar. Absolutely happy and content with how we felt about each other, thinking we'd feel this way forever.

But life doesn't always work out the way you think it will.

While I was thinking about this, I started asking myself, when do you stop loving someone? Is it the moment you start to love someone else, shifting all that love onto a different person, or is it before? Is it even possible to stop loving? How could someone mean so much to you, and then not? Does it happen instantly, or is it something that needs to be worked on in order to progress?

All these thoughts were running through my mind that I started to reflect on myself, and past in regards to love. The last person that I loved, I was completely and utterly happy. What I felt was beautiful. It was the only time in my life where it actually felt perfect, even when nothing was. It was the happiest I had been with anyone. But that love resulted in me being very sad for a long long time. Was love worth it? Was feeling depressed worth the bliss?

My answer would be no. I would rather not have been in love, it wouldn't be worth all the pain I felt because of it. But I can't change what's already happened.

Now I question myself. Was I still in love? Did I want to be? Can I change my mind? And if I wasn't, then did I ever love in the first place?

I have no answers. Sometimes, there are things that can never be truly answered, only thought of.

This year, one of my main goals was to become more confident in myself. I have been insecure my whole life. I never felt that I was pretty and wondered why any man would want to be with me. I would always complain to people saying, "I wish I was pretty" or "Why can't I look like her." I realized this was a really negative aspect of my life and that I needed to change.

As of now, I am a lot more confident. I've really come to accept myself and not care about what other people think of me. I do feel pretty, and am happy with myself. I don't feel threatened by other girls. Yea there are other girls who will be prettier than me, but who cares. I'm me and that's all I can be. I've become very comfortable with who I am as a person. It took a while and hard work to get where I am now. It was worth it. But, I still want to grow.

It wasn't until I watched Anna Akana's video that I asked myself, "Am I sexy?"


The answer is no. Like Anna, I have never felt sexy about myself. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, but not with being sexy. Trying to be sexy is hard and weird. You don't realize it until you actually try. I'm an awkward person. Me trying to be sexy just makes things more awkward.

I want to change this. As of now, I am going to work on being sexy. This is something that I need to be actively working towards to achieve. I'm not doing this so that guys think I'm sexy. Anna's right, it is completely subjective. Also, I don't care about other peoples opinions. I'm doing this for myself. Doing this will completely take me out of my comfort zone. I've come pretty far on my journey to feeling more confident in myself. So, why should I stop now?

Since I've started this blog, I've found myself on this unexpected journey when it comes to Anberlin. From merely starting off writing that I've discovered a great band, to seeing them live and meeting them at Warped Tour, to reviewing their final album, I've now found myself at the end of this journey. Last night, I saw Anberlin for the last time on The Final Tour at the House of Blues in Anaheim.

I knew this day was coming for a long time. Knowing that, I have been eagerly waiting for the day where I can say, "Yeah I saw Anberlin on their Final Tour." I knew it'd be amazing and a night I will never forget. I was right. My final Anberlin show did not disappoint.

I've been to the House of Blues in Anaheim before. As a venue I like it as it's pretty small and intimate. I can see why Anberlin chose this place. It allowed them to really connect with their audience on such an important night. I prefer these types of venues in comparison to arenas because you get pretty close to the band and are able to meet people who are also there for the same reason you are.

I was expecting Anberlin to play songs from Lowborn, since most bands perform songs from their most recent albums. But I was surprised to find that nothing from Lowborn was played. Instead the night consisted of their most popular songs from their prior six albums.

The night started off with "Never Take Friendship Personal", getting everyone upbeat and excited for the rest of the night. They ended up playing 21 songs: "We Owe This to Ourselves", Paperthin Hymn", "Self-Starter", "Readyfuels", "Someone Anyone", "Other Side", "(The Symphony of ) Blasé", Take Me (As You Found Me)", "The Unwinding Cable Car", "The Haunting", "Modern Age", "Breaking", "Impossible", "Time & Confusion", "A Day Late", "Hello Alone", "Dismantle.Repair",  "The Resistance", "Godspeed", and "Feel Good Drag."

The order of the setlist was perfect. It created a good variation of fast good feeling songs that made you happy to be there, to more calm and mellow songs that made you appreciate how talented Anberlin is.

"12 years. We could not be more excited for you guys to be singing along and dancing along with us. Thank you guys very much. Thanks to all our friends and family for being with us tonight." - Stephen Christian

"(The Symphony of) Blasé" got to me. With lyrics like, "This is our last goodnight. Say what you will. Say all that you can. This is our last goodbye," you can't help but think this night is their last goodbye. My favorite song of the night was "The Unwinding Cable Car."Apart from being one of my favorite songs, it's one of the first songs I listened to from Anberlin. Listening to this song so many times on my computer, I couldn't believe I was hearing it live. Christian has amazing vocals and you can see how much passion he has from this performance.  The songs lyrics are wonderful that they touch your soul.  Playing favorite songs made mine and the audiences night more enjoyable. As we were able to sing out to our favorite songs while fist pumping, jumping, and dancing.

"I think if we could leave anything for you guys it would be to inspire you to do and dream and think bigger than you ever thought possible...You never know, you just never know. When you guys follow your dreams, this life is amazing so keep going. Joey, me and Dion all come from the same city. 27 thousand of little nothing town. So if we can make it, you can make it. " - 

Stephen Christian. 

When Anberlin came back on stage for their encore performance, I knew what was happening. This was it. It's the final song, and the night was ending. "*Fin" is a very calm song. With soft guitar and  opening, and finishes off with a faster pace, harmonic vocals, and harder drums. It was the perfect song to end the night with. Stephen Christian at the end of "*Fin" started saying, "We'll live forever, forever, forever." These are lyrics to "Harbinger", the last song on Lowborn. When I heard this, I was about to cry. All these years ended with this moment.

Christian was right, they are going to live forever. Because although Anberlin as a band won't be together, they live. They live in the hearts of all the fans they've touched throughout these 12 years. They will always carry a special place in my heart and will always be my favorite band. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. Anberlin will live forever.

Nothing last forever is something I've learned at an early age. So it's no surprise that Anberlin announced earlier this year that in 2014 they will produce their final album and tour for the last time after being together for the past 12 years. From their first album, Blueprint for the Black Market, Anberlin made a name for themselves, continuing to make music and producing phenomenal albums like: Never Take Friendship Personal, Cities, New Surrender, Dark Is the Way, Light Is a Place, and Vital. Their last album Lowborn was released today after being pushed back a month from the original release date of June 23, 2014. Was it worth waiting an extra month for this album? The answer is yes.

To say Anberlin saved their best album for last is an understatement. Having listened to this album three times today, I can honestly say that listening to this is an experience in of itself. Having loved this band for a while, I knew this was going to be a great album. But I never thought it would be this amazing. As I went about my day, listening to this album any chance I had, I not only listened to Lowborn, but I was also listening to their six prior albums. It was as if these past 12 years had all accumulated to this moment. Anberlin was able to capture their different styles, growth, and creativity from the past 12 years beautifully to produce their legacy.

"It's kind of like our final statement and goodbye in a way of everything the band has become and where we are as people creatively at this point. Or at least we tried to make it that." - Deon Rexroat.

The album consists of ten songs: "We Are Destroyer", "Armageddon", "Stranger Ways", "Velvet Covered Brick", "Atonement", "Birds of Prey", "Dissenter", "Losing It All", "Hearing Voices", and "Harbinger". Even though I can say I like them all, there are some songs that stand out in comparison to others.

"We Are Destroyer" is the typical Anberlin opening song. It has those piercing vocals Stephen Christian executes flawlessly. With it's mix of techno and heavy rock sound, there's more to this song than you hear initially. This song sets up the whole album as you notice the different sounds, moods, and tempos that will parallel the album. "Armageddon" is quite strange to listen to after "We Are Destroyer", it has a much slower, atmospheric tempo. As the song progresses, it slowly picks up to a faster pace, but continues to maintain that atmospheric tempo. "Stranger Ways", is one of the better songs on the album and not only because it was the bands latest music video, but it shows the band addressing their "fans" on this goodbye. Starting off with a slow piano, smooth drums by Nate Young, and haunting lyrics, the song is catchy and gives off a good vibe even when singing of a sad topic.

"Velvet Covered Brick" is one of my favorite songs on the album. With the heavy guitars from Joey Milligan and Christian McAlhaney, hard hitting drums, and low singing, this song is sure to get you in a good mood. It reminds me a lot of "There Is No Mathematics to Love and Loss" which is one of my favorite songs from Anberlin. "Atonement", the song that pulls at your heart strings when you think about this being Anberlins last album. Here Stephen Christian gives his personal reasons why Anberlin is breaking up. He mentions, "I've see faces I may never see again, I've been places I never could have dreamt". Although a sad topic, the song is uplifting with it's mellow tempo that is very similar to "Unwinding Cable Car". It might even be better. It is freaking amazing! "Birds of Prey", although more of an electronic feel to the rest of the album, the chorus is catchy and you'll remember it, "regret is nothing more than a lovers disease". It also shows how even though it's their last album, they're still able to get creative and make something different despite what your fans are used to and want.

"Dissenter" is the song I like the least out of all of them. The heavy vocals in the beginning seem forced and it's just screaming instead of singing. It's too heavy in comparison to "We Are Destroyer" and "Velvet Covered Brick". "Losing It All", is my favorite song on this album hands down. It's has a catchy beat like "Atonement", but better due to being more fast paced. Unlike "Atonement", this song is more positive and looks on the bright side to their situation."It's not losing it all if we have each other, in the end its all that matters." They're right. Have we really lost Anberlin? Yes and no. "Hearing Voices", another great song with Christians piercing vocals, amazing drum work from Young, memorable lyrics, with a great chorus. If you were to define Anberlin by the type of style they have, this song is all their styles put into one. "Harbinger", the final song that wraps up the whole album. Knowing this is the last song ever, the tempo gives a calming feeling that leaves you feeling content. With lyrics like "You will remember me", and "We'll live forever", it makes a sad situation positive. The song is the perfect way to wrap up 12 years of Anberlin. With amazing music that touched so many people, including myself, "Harbinger" reminds us of that Anberlin will always be there.

"So the last line on the record is, “We’ll live forever.” People we meet out here in autograph lines or whatever say, “We’ll miss you.” But I always say to them, “We’re not actually leaving. You can always listen to the music.” I think that’s what it’s all about. We are gonna live forever in these people’s lives." - Stephen Christian. 

Am I sad that this is the last album this amazing band will produce? Yes, yes I am. Every time I listen to this album, I can't believe that music this phenomenal is made. I have yet to find a band like Anberlin, that will leave me with this feeling of awe every time I finish listening to a song. But theres a beauty to this. As I've listened to all of their albums, I'm on a journey I can't explain. I've seen this band grow and seen how their music has progressed. To be able to say that I and every other fan has been with them on this journey is a privilege. They will certainly live forever  in my life. I now look forward to seeing them live on October 10th in Anaheim. I know it will be a night to remember, just like this album.

As I've been spending a lot of time by myself this summer, I've had time to reflect on quite a lot of things. When you're alone, you have no one to talk to so you have to figure out other ways to pass the time. For me, I like to think and put my thoughts down in words. I end up thinking about a lot of things. Some of that stuff is just what I'm going to do for the week and it's pretty unimportant. But other times it's more serious, like how I reflect on the person I have become in a short amount of time.

One of the things that I've noticed is that I'm not the person I used to be. It's common for someone to constantly be changing. I remember in high school, people would say you change so much when you go to college. I just thought whatever and didn't give it much thought. But now that it's the summer before my last year of college, I can see that they were right. I've changed so much. While some of those changes were good, I'm seeing that perhaps I've lost a part of myself in the process.

I used to care and was so passionate about things that I considered bigger than myself. One of the big things that I would say I identified most was being a vegetarian. I've always been an animal lover and became a vegetarian because I thought it was wrong the way the meat industry treated animals. Meat ended up becoming a commodity and factory farms didn't care about the way animals were killed as long as they had their product. I ended up becoming a vegetarian for three years because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I was also very open about atheism and telling people why I didn't have a religion. I probably shouldn't have done that because I don't like it when people tell me what to believe in and I shouldn't do that as well. I would spend a lot of time outdoors as well. I would go on weekly hikes with my family and I would bike everywhere. I liked being outdoors and having an active lifestyle. I've always believed being outdoors and appreciating nature was good for you.

I was very outspoken about a lot of things, and I probably annoyed a heck of a lot of people. But I thought it was important to voice my opinion on these matters and perhaps get people to think differently.

But I don't do any of that stuff anymore. It's been a year since I stopped being a vegetarian and I thinking about animal rights. I used to think it was wrong of me to be contributing to that injustice. But this year I didn't care. I ate whatever I wanted. I hid being an atheist from people. I stopped going hiking and riding my bike and preferred to stay indoors. I had become like everyone else. I was following the crowd and lost myself in the process. Who had I become?

I barley started realizing what was happening to me. I used to care about so many things and I've allowed myself to become passionless about things that I felt were important. These are just a couple, but I became apathetic towards a lot of things. I would like to think that this is due to reverse culture shock. But I don't think I am allowed to say that. This is a bigger thing that just being sad about coming back to California.

Maybe I should try and be like how I used to be, or maybe not. This isn't something that can happen over night. I need to be able to find myself again, as crazy as that might sound. Perhaps I need to walk alone for a while to find myself in places I never thought of looking in before and figure out what really is important to me.

Although I've been to plenty of concert's in my life, I have never gone to a music festival. When I went to shows, it was to see some of my favorite bands like Panic! at the Disco, Black Veil Brides, Alesana, Dance Gavin Dance, and Jonny Craig. I didn't go because it was trendy, I went to enjoy the music. Therefore, music festivals were never something that I had wanted to go to before because it seemed like a lot of people were doing it for the hype. But yesterday, I had the privilege of going to my first music festival, Vans Warped Tour in Pomona. It was honestly one of the greatest things I've been to and an amazing experience.